*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
This trial is so absurd 😭
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
😂 amazing answer
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.