They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
You Might Also Like
Oh yeah that’s it
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.