My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?