Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear