Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
we’re dead?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…