The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?