Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.