[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.