After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…