Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Help Wanted
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please