“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home