The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.