If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career