Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
For those that worship cheese..
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there