Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Why font matters.
School be like
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.