When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
somebody come look at this
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?