Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy