Wake me when AI does housework
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My kitchen overserved me.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m not alone. I have ants.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.