Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Morning.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.