ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Happy Star Wars day!
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.