I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.