Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.