“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
How do you milk an almond?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less