Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
fixed it
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”