Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
You Might Also Like
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.