BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands