Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.