All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
(Electricians.)
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.