A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
this is so top tier i cant
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie