I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement