Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
They grow up so quick