Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
asked my bf how work was today
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.