They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.