I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Ape together strong
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?