Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR