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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*pokes sex life with a stick
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen