Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”