If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
You learn something every day
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?