Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?