I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”