Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse