My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.