Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
You Might Also Like
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
RT if you could go either way.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old