Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny