When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
the three branches of government
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.