We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.