Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
What is going on? 😅
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
bad news gang