In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
You Might Also Like
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.