Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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saving face 👀
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
The smoothest fall of all time
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I put the p in pants.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: