3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.